Warren Farrell on fathers' day

Date: Wed, 11 Jun 2003 14:32:06 GMT
Newsgroups: soc.men
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http://mensnewsdaily.com/archive/f/farrell/farrell061103.htm
How Dads Who Can't be With their Children Can be "With" their
Children on Father's Day
June 11, 2003
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by Warren Farrell, Ph.D.
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Divorce leaves men ten times more likely than women to commit
suicide. The "ten times" ratio is under normal circumstances of
divorce. But Father's Day is not a normal day. A father who is
a Home Alone Dad on Father's Day is even more vulnerable to
depression and suicide.
The children may be with their "new family"(usually mom, her
parents and perhaps a new partner). To the Home Alone Dad,
Father's Day is missing its heart - missing the beat of his
children's needs and the gift of their smiles. The result?
Some dads disappear into a bottle. Others attempt to disappear
into the small screen, but each Father's Day commercial ambushes
him with images of small children expressing the joy that is a
parent's reason for being. Though the purpose of the ad is to
sell a product, its effect is to sear his soul. When the result
is suicide, a child is not only deprived of a dad, but, for the
rest of her or his life, Father's Day triggers trauma.
If our antennae should be especially high for signs of suicide
among divorced dads on Father's Day, what are those signs?
The research for Father and Child Reunion led me to this
conclusion: the most important sign is no sign. When women are in
crisis they reach out; when men are in crisis, they withdraw. The
most desperate form of outreach is attempting suicide, a
mostly-female behavior; the most desperate form of withdrawal is
committing suicide, a mostly-male behavior. The best contribution
a friend can make is to pro-actively think of the fathers we know
who may be without their children on Father's Day, and reach out
to them.
What outreach is the most effective? It will be tempting to
invite the Home Alone Dad into your family celebration. While
that is far superior to his being home alone, the most important
gift you can give is encouraging him to be "with" his children
even though he can't be with his children. Even if he can't get
it together to actually do these things for his children on
Father's Day, it will raise his spirits to be working on them
during the day. Some examples?
Let me offer the "Top Ten Ways of Being "With" Your Children When
You Cannot Be With Your Children.
Dads tend to give gifts of money, not love. This reinforces the
image of dad-as-wallet. Dads can change that image by giving a
gift of themselves to their child. Here are my Top Ten
suggestions, in Dave Letterman-reverse order fashion:
10) Tape record a loving Father's Day message, listing the ten
best things you love about your son or daughter.
9) Have a photo of you and your child reproduced on a mouse pad.
That way he or she will be running their hands and eyes over it
every day.
8) Buy some clay. Make your son or daughter a statue (however
inept) of a pet gerbil they cherish, the dreamed-of horse you
can't afford, or any memento of a special time you've shared.
7) Send five "opinion emails," asking your child her or his
opinion regarding:
"My favorite movie is _____ because _____"
"My favorite animal is _____ because _____"
"I like it best when mom _____"
"A good teacher is a teacher who _____"
"The best sport is _____"
"I like/dislike church because _____"
6) Do a video of yourself, showing your son or daughter your
favorite memorabilia from their childhood (a soccer uniform, a
trophy) and share what each memory means to you.
5) Tape a song from you about the relationship between you and
your child. Make it funny (e.g., give yourself a "take-off" name
of a group or artist [Me2; Yo Yo Pa]; make it self-effacing (if
you can't sing, make a joke out of it). Put the tape in a player
your child can use in private to reduce his or her embarrassment
factor (and yours).
4) If you've got the courage, send three "Truth or Dare" cards to
your child. Begin each card with a "dare" statement -- inviting
your child to fill in the "truth" and send the card back to you.
"Dear Dad, What I dare you to understand about me is..."; "Dear
Dad, What I dare you to apologize about is...'; "Dear Dad, I dare
you to listen to this..." Your gift to your child is your 100%
assurance that she or he will receive no response except thank
you.
3) Create your own greeting card and send a "why I appreciate my
child card" to your child. Don't enclose money -- keep the child
focused on the sentiment attached!
2) Leave a loving message on your child's answering machine on
Father's Day.
1) Hide post-it notes around your child's room, each one with a
different appreciation message. Number the post-its, putting the
first ones in easy places, making the hints as to where to find
the next one tougher and tougher. Have a small gift at the end of
the trail.
The deeper purpose of each of these is to give a son and daughter
a new view of dad as a giver of love, not just money. This gives
your son a new view of what he can be and your daughter a new
view of the qualities she looks for in her husband.
Warren Farrell