Re: New lyric: Undertow (Refuge in our kissin)

Date: Sat, 19 Apr 2003 02:29:22 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.music.makers.songwriting
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Hi, Carl. I'm just catching up with some of the posts here.
I read through both versions of the lyric, and I think I like this one much
better. If the first song had been all about "she" vs. "you", I could have
heard it as a recounting by you of an unhappy love experience -- not as
involving as something I could place myself in, but still it might be
interesting, especially if a little more lyric real estate had been devoted
to painting the place for me. (I have no idea where Lanzarote is, but now
I'm curious).
On the second lyric, though, I found myself remembering experiences that
were similar to yours -- the slightly awkward vacation that's meant to be
romantic. A lot more feelings came up and I found myself sort of
daydreaming away as the story carried me along. As a "listener" (reader,
really), it was much more involving. There wasn't a spot in the second
lyric where I was jarred, lost, or separated from the action.
So, for me, at least, the second version was much more enjoyable. Standing
back and looking at the two, the second one seems a little too generic, but
often a lyric serves as a vehicle, I think, instead of a stand-alone work
of art. In the same way that musicians in a band need to leave space for
each other, I think lyrics need to leave space for the music to contribute.
In verse 3, I think there might be a better contrast than sunlight tanning
and darkness within. For me, I don't feel sunlight tan my skin, I feel it
bake my skin (or warm my skin, etc.) What I mean to say is, tanning is
really something you see, not something you feel, so that phrase was not as
strong as I'd like. Maybe warmth and coldness as the contrast -- the
coldness showing the distance between the two people.
I think I'd go for some other re-wording in the bridge, rather than
"Undertow/below" again. That's not an easy task... not sure how you'd
describe an undertow, but if you could come up with some creative image that
expresses "undertow" without saying it again, I think that would be ideal.
In some way, the bridge needs to include some new insight into the
picture -- maybe about something else entirely. An example of the distance
between them would be good; a visual that would never happen if the two were
at ease with other. I also think the first line of the bridge seems overly
long - "I wanted to feel sure that we were meant to be" - not sure how you'd
re-write it, though. You could drop the "that" and let the singer phrase it
to get the sense of the line.
I wouldn't mind seeing a modified final chorus that somehow expresses what
the man would do if he found himself back with her, ending in "taking refuge
in our kissing".
Couple of possible grammar/translation items:
"I'm not to say" -- not sure if you mean "I wouldn't say" or "I cannot
say" -- don't think "I'm not to say" is commonly used, except as a formal
way of saying "I have been forbidden to speak about this"
"Laughter", is used in the singular form -- you could use "laughs" if you
wanted a plural word ("we had some laughs")
As always, just one opinion. Hope the feedback helps -- if not, ignore it.
:^)
-- James
"Carl Joensson" <email-address-deleted> wrote in message
news:email-address-deleted...
> Hi again!
>
> Thanks David and Tracy for honest reactions and sound advice. Yes, I
> did a rewrite. It's still a depressing little story, but I hope it's
> less diary-like and that the water/undertow image has been developed a
> bit further. And I have allowed a few words to reappear at new places.
> I hope it is a little bit more universal/general now while still
> staying personal enough for me.
>
> I'd love to hear if you agree or not!
>
> Carl
>
>
> ========REWRITE===============
> Undertow (Refuge in our kissing)
> (C) Carl Joensson 2003
>
> We fled from winter darkness and the cold
> to a southern sunlit beach where we were told
> the waves we bathed in hid an undertow
> that can pull you down below
>
> We got the cheapest rental car around
> to leave the beach and take a look around
> I tried to read the map you took the wheel
> and we so wanted to feel. blessed and happy
>
> CHORUS
> I'm not to say there wasn't laughters 'long the way
> but there was often something missing
> I pushed away the doubts and each and every day
> I took my refuge in our kissing
> Yes, I took refuge in our kissing
>
> We could feel the sunlight tan our skin
> but something dark was heaving deep within
> The love we lived in hid an undertow
> and it pulled me down below
>
> CHORUS
> I'm not to say there wasn't laughters anyway
> but there was often something missing
> I pushed away the doubts and each and every day
> I took my refuge in our kissing
> Yes, I took refuge in our kissing
>
> BRIDGE
> I wanted to feel sure that we were meant to be
> to stay afloat above that undertow
> I tried to drown those doubts to finally feel free
> but it pulled me down below
>
> CHORUS
> I wish I could have let the laughters lead our way
> but there was often something missing
> I tried to push away the doubts and every day
> I took my refuge in our kissing
> Yes, I took refuge in our kissing