Re: Second rewrite: Undertow (Refuge in our kissing)

Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2003 09:18:45 +1000
Newsgroups: rec.music.makers.songwriting
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Hi Carl
This lyric is greatly improved, the story flows well for the most part.
A couple of points I think line four verse two ( "and we so wanted to
feel…blessed and happy" ) is weak and it does not fit in with the rhythm
of the other verses.
The bridge is not doing it's job for me.
"I wanted to feel close, I wanted to find fun
but nothing ever seemed to come with ease
And within me a swirl of questions had begun
Was our love just make-believe?"
It is repeating what has already been said in the chorus, it should be
adding to the story probably revealing why it is there were doubts, why
it is there was something missing, you know like she was just along for a
free holiday or something and you were just to blind to see it . It
needs some twist some angle in there.
There is an ESL issue in the last chorus "If we hanged on I know the
doubts would still remain"
Should be If we'd have hung on the doubts would've still remained"
Good lyric.
Cheers
Gary
-- --semper sume remedium casum--
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/garyyeomans.htm
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