Re: New song lyrics - Ice Cream

Date: 17 Apr 2003 07:51:27 -0700
Newsgroups: rec.music.makers.songwriting
Size: 1,503 bytes

Adam Skeggs <email-address-deleted> wrote in message news:<3e9d469d$0$16257$email-address-deleted>...
Well, if somebody gave me this lyric to put to music, I'd use verses
4,5,3, and 2, in that order (that order in the song). Maybe cut one more.
And move the "Eating..." section to the MIDDLE of each verse rather than
putting it first, like below.
None of the lyric really knocked me out - generally, when I see rhymes like
"dresses" with "tresses," my immediate reaction is, "okay, nothing new going
on here." If there is some secret meaning that, once you get it, the whole
lyric comes into focus and you just go, "oh, wow, that's brilliant," then I
guess I just didn't get it - but if that was the case, I don't think you'd
need to be asking which verses you should keep - every word would count...
} I have not done this before but I thought I would get a crit on the lyrics
} before I record the song. Radical no? I have 8 verses but I only need 4.
} You would do me a favour if you could just weed out the weakest 4; they are
} numbered for you convenience!
} 4
}
} Big old house
} in a sunny part of The South
} the trees are full of flowers
} the blossoms fall in showers
} the girls are in white dresses
} combing out their tresses
}
} Eating an ice
} Eating an ice cream
} Isn't it nice
} Having a sweet dream
}
} [ some kind of transition, like, "But then..." ] I woke in
} cardboard box
} where's the house,
} trees and frocks?
...and so on...
Charles Wolff
Phoenix AZ